Hi there,

I'll take you at your word that you're interested in some honest critique and just go down a few points that came to me as I read.

I felt that the emotions were very powerful, but I almost wish I could "see" what you're talking about better. Certainly you have a fine vocabulary. However, what I feel I lack is context. For example,

"It recalls ardent splendour, celestial bliss.
Hurricanes become clement skies,
Making liars of us all."

- at this point, I'm at a loss as to what is going on. It is much like opening a book near the middle. What is this ardent splendour and what caused it? Why sky-related bliss? Certainly one shouldn't want the poem to "tell" the reader everything. That would be boring. But, sometimes, as a reader, I don't really wish to recreate my own world or imagine something out of the blue - I want to experience something new or discover something powerful. Maybe the poem could be a little more open in letting the reader in on what's going on? Usually a concrete context, imagery, appeal to the senses, all helps a reader relate to the story/situation of a poem.

Another potential issue I saw while reading this was this poem's use of abstractions and weak descriptions. The very first line uses "thing" to describe something. That feels a tad lazy. Also, the more open-ended the words are (splendour, bliss, grand, grotesque) the less the reader can imagine and is forced to scramble to make something up.

As far as the cliche "show, don't tell" goes, this piece was heavily telling, informing the reader what was going on, rather than describing it and allowing the reader to "participate" somewhat in the action. Though, again, I'm more inclined to think that this was done on purpose, and who know? maybe it works better this way. It might be that I'm just not the sort of reader that the piece is trying to reach.

Finally, I want to say that overall all my critique is just that, some subjective thoughts on how the piece can be made stronger.

I wish you the best of luck writing (and revising if you chose to)!

Cheers for the read,
*SpokenAubade

"The heart is a torturous thing.
It remembers in ways the flesh cannot"

amazing begining... and even better end.

honestly it really touched me .
beautiful piece

--
Create your pain, design your wound
watch the fresh blood drain
from your skin and from your vains.
This art can take you far
once it becomes a scar.
The agony you endured
and the beauty of this scar,
will make you a star...

how true this is. Excellent job!

--
(Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?)
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
^{Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think you're on drugs.}

I love it. Well done

--
One who lives without love can never truly live... One who embraces love can never truly die... 'kiwi-damnation'