It's well written, grammarically speaking but..It just dosn't envoke me into detail of what you're trying to convey. It's a great idea, and a swell poem; don't get me wrong. But it's just lacking the imagery as most of your other work.

I hope this helps ya' ^_^

Yeah, it helps.

Thanks

x

--
'Forever we'll be crucified to a dream' HIM

^_^ Good, I don't mean to be rude or anything but...when I can't stand complimenting people on things i'm not 100% awed over. Just feels like i'm cheating that person out of valuable experiance they can learn by looking back on mistakes and trying to correct them.

Okay, counterpoint. I feel this one, dunno, maybe it's the mood I'm in or what, but I can feel the distance between the two people here.

"Still, sometimes I want to
shake confessions out of you,
the way that priests shock
boys into spilling secrets."-very powerful image/concept. It has a bleakness to it that holds all the earmarks of a relationship in the last days before it dissolves, and the tired tone overall carries it through.

Of course, I tend to center on one or two images in a poem, and let the rest of it sorta orbit around that, so it may be the way I interpret it myself.

Hope that helps.

--
If you weren't quite so big, it would be time for Mr. and Mrs. Spank to pay a short, sharp visit to Botty-land.

It really does help, so thanks.

To be honest I know that this is a pretty weak piece, but it's better to write something like this than nothing at all. Hopefully I'll get my spark back. The changes to deviantart just freaked me out!

I'm glad that you can feel the distance between the two people. I was thinking about a certain someone at the time, so yeah..

--
'Forever we'll be crucified to a dream' HIM

That's exactly what I need from people. Sometimes I feel like there are people on here who would tell me that anything that I wrote was good. I don't tend to value them, it's good for my ego but not for my writing. Thanks for being honest!

--
'Forever we'll be crucified to a dream' HIM

Another lovely piece, I really enjoy your work. Some lines that you put together I envy for not being my own.

--
“One piece of his heart for every tear she granted..”

No, it's not that weak, just sorta... raw.

I think only people who've been through that distance can really feel it. There's always that certain someone...

DAMN YOU, MY CERTAIN SOMEONE!!!

--
If you weren't quite so big, it would be time for Mr. and Mrs. Spank to pay a short, sharp visit to Botty-land.

He he, as you may have guessed I love this one! :-D There's just the right degree of ambiguity about it, it crystallises the breakdown of communication very well. The sense is of someone who's not quite sure what to say, which is (if I understand correctly) exactly what you're trying to convey!

The language is great, phrases like 'sepia silence' and 'shell tight mouth' are great. Good structure too. My feeling is that the second stanza is the one most in need of work just to hammer it into shape and make the rhythm flow a little better, but in my humble opinion this is a good piece with the potential to be very good indeed.

Nathan